For Women Only

A few weeks ago, Adam confessed to me that he'd read my "secret book." It took me a few minutes to realize he meant he'd read For Women Only, an advice book on marriage given to me by a shower guest last spring. The book is subtitled "What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men." Naturally, I had been a bit skeptical. I just thanked the guest, brought it home, and put in on a shelf. How good could a book with such a silly, over-broad premise possibly be?

That's why Adam's verdict surprised me: "it's really insightful," he said. So I've been reading it over the past couple of days. I have to confess that little in the book so far has been particularly surprising. I've always taken for granted that I understand men pretty well generally--and Adam very well particularly. Chapters like "Why Your Respect Means More to Him than Even Your Affection" and "Why Your Mr. Smooth Looks So Impressive but Feels Like an Impostor" didn't offer much information I didn't already know.

But the book has been an excellent reminder of what I ought to do. The entire premise is that women do things to men they ought not to because they don't know better. But I often do things to Adam that I ought not and I do know better. I have no excuse.

In particular, I felt very unhappy with myself when I read the section about making fun of men in public. I love Adam and respect him more than any other man alive. I consider him skilled and capable--he does a wonderful job taking care of me already and we're not even living under the same roof. That's why, to me, his few failings are so adorable. They're incongruous in my eyes--ironic and funny. I like to point out funny things to other people. But it isn't okay if my jests make Adam feel less valued or respected.

To be fair to myself, I don't think I developed this bad habit on my own. Interactions with many other couples, sitcoms, commercials... pop culture encourages us to have gentle fun at the expense of our significant others. It's a dynamic that people interacting with young couples often expect or even encourage. It seems so ingrained that, even though I know it's wrong, I have a hard time imagining public life without good-natured jokes at Adam's expense.

Then I think back to my parents' marriage. No ones marriage is perfect, but I have never doubted my parents respect for each other. I've never seen my mother make fun of my father in public--or my father make fun of her, for that matter. My mother runs my father's business, so it's beautiful to see the faith they really have in each others' abilities. Everyone on their staff knows they feel this way about one another. In my memory, they've never even undermined each other's abilities at home in front of their children. My parents prove that it is possible to have a fun marriage without disrespecting each other for a laugh. Besides, there must be other ways to keep a party lively without embarrassing anecdotes--my parents are far more entertaining than I'll ever be.

Shaunti Feldhahn, the author of For Women Only, is right. My love for Adam, my desire for him to understand how much I appreciate and respect him--these things are far more important than a good joke. Making this sorts of jabs is a habit that may take a while to break. But I will do my best because I still believe that--after salvation and conversion--Adam is the greatest thing that has happened or ever will happen to me.

If the book continues to deliver insights, I'll continue to deliver posts. You can find out more about the book here. T-minus 25 days and counting!

Epic Fail

Today I had the distinctively unpleasant opportunity to be reminded of one of my greatest flaws: I hate to lose. I hate not being at the top of the class. Not being the greatest and best at everything I do.

Over the years, I'd like to think I've improved. Now that I've learned to better love and respect the people around me, I'm usually very happy when they do well--even when it's better than me. But I still can't stand the idea that my performance was sub par, that I could have done better.

It occurred to me how dangerous my attitude toward failure may be for the future of our marriage. What happens when something goes wrong? Am I going to try to hide it, pretending it doesn't exist so I don't have to admit I might have failed? Or will I quit? Just get up and leave out of a fear I might not succeed at "this marriage thing" after all?

Of course, failure isn't the same for married Catholics. Divorce isn't an option. But separation is. Even worse, so it deep-seated unhappiness and resentment. My fear of failure, left unchecked, could easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy if it forces me to stop communicating with Adam.

No, I haven't failed anything today per se. I've only disappointed myself. Maybe in the long run it's far better to be reminded of my very human shortcomings in a context where the stakes aren't very high.

What Does Engaged Mean?

Last night, Adam and I discussed applying for an apartment. My job for next year is more nailed down than his is, so I may need to apply alone for the time being. Of course, many apartment complexes require a certain amount of money in the bank as a kind of collateral for their residents. After two years at Oxford, I don't have a dime. Adam's response? "That's okay. I'll just give it to you."

Whoa. It suddenly hit me just how much more seriously Adam takes engagement than I do.

I would be dishonest if I said I didn't find my commitment to Adam serious and binding. But in my family, debate isn't over until both parties have said "I do." We celebrate how a father reminds his daughter, just before her big procession, that the marriage doesn't have to go through. Engagement is just a period for wedding planning.

It's not that Adam would try to take me through divorce proceedings if our relationship fell apart in the next three and a half months. It's that, for him, asking me and receiving my consent seems to have made marriage a pretty "done deal." We're not just wedding planning. We've started our lives together. Marriage is the next step on a journey that will last a lifetime.

For someone like me, always a little afraid my friends will figure out how annoying I am and leave at any moment, Adam's attitude is extremely liberating. He loves me and he's already serious about spending the rest of his life to me. Which is good, because I'm serious about spending the rest of my life with him, too.

Unlearned Kindergarten Lesson #1: Sharing

Living by myself as a graduate student in a foreign country, I'm not called upon to share things very often. Sure, I share my food and my time fairly generously--I suppose my relatively free-handed hospitality usually seems sufficient. But, with my sisters here, I'm reminded that I really, really don't like to share my stuff.

In all fairness, I don't have much stuff here to share. Books, which I would share if they asked. Clothes, which I would share if I had enough sets to make up more than one wardrobe for more than a few days. But my "good-natured-ness" starts to wear off when my sisters want to borrow my nail clippers or hairbrush. And I have no patience for letting anyone else loose on my computer.

It's an interesting way to discover what's really important to me. Even though I've had arguments with my sisters, friends, or even Adam before about the computer, I'm only just not figuring out why. I don't like sharing my nail clippers or hairbrush because they are such personal things. But my laptop is such an intimate thing, an object through which I express myself is so many academic and personal contexts--it really feels like a part of myself.

No wonder, with that unhealthy attitude, that I can't stand anyone else using it. No wonder I feel so vulnerable. What if they break it? What if they somehow change it, make it less useful? It's like I've opened myself up to anyone who uses my machine. For someone who bares parts of her soul to an anonymous (mostly non-existent?) on-line audience, that sentiment is truly ridiculous.

So, I guess it's time to add another goal to the "Things I Wish to Accomplish before I Marry Adam" list: learn to share. It's not going to be a very happy marriage if I don't trust Adam enough to let him use my computer.