Staying at Home

I know it's a bit early to think about raising children, but it's been on my mind the past few days.

When we went through our marriage prep course, Adam and I were heavily encouraged to discuss whether or not I would stay home. Adam thinks it is almost absolutely necessary for me to stay home with our children, whereas I'm a little more ambivalent. It's not that we don't agree on the importance of having a mother at home--at least before the kids start school--it's that I'm afraid I may go absolutely stir crazy and feel like a burden, rather than someone who contributes to society.

I couldn't figure out why I felt this way. Women have stayed home with children for thousands of years. Why did I think I was special? Then, reading my old Little House on the Prairie Cookbook, it hit me: staying at home used to be an absolutely vital and valued job.

Prior to the last century, staying at home was undeniably and necessarily a full-time job that contributed to the family and society in many necessary ways. If mom didn't stay home, no one ate vegetables or learned how to read. Without mom, the house was filthy, the family went naked. The elderly and the sick in the community went unfed. No one could doubt the importance of mom in such a role. No mom could feel undervalued or unhelpful. Compare that to today: in our less self-sufficient society, a mom's only necessary roles are nanny and shopper. Where's the sense of value and purpose in that?

It's not that I'm critical of modern stay-at-home moms. In many ways, it's much more of a sacrifice and an admirable thing to do to take a job society-at-large no longer values as it ought. Many, many moms do something great with their time at home with their children--they become far more than the nannies and shoppers society invites them to be. But I think it's obvious now--and I can't believe it never occurred to me before--that women left the home because they no longer felt needed and wanted there. The by-the-book position of "stay-at-home-mom" is merely a vestige of the beautiful and glorious thing it was before.

Adam's right, I know, about the importance of a mother staying home. We were both lucky enough to have mothers who did extraordinary things with their roles--teaching us, taking us to amazing places, serving as active members of the community... I hope, if I think about their examples--and if Adam and I continue to make our home as sustainable and self-sufficient as we can--I can contribute as much as they did to my family and to society and stay at home.

Picking a Fight

In our marriage prep, Adam and I have been told time and time again to watch out for the "first big fight." We've both found the idea of fighting difficult to imagine. Neither of us tend to get into loud arguments with others--at least not anymore. We've never had a real explosive fight between the two of us. Neither of our parents fight very often, so it isn't a learned behavior. Besides, what would we fight about?

Over the past few weeks, I've begun to understand. Making adult decisions for the "real world" has thrown us into a context where arguments seem possible where they never had before.

Adam and I aren't good at making decisions on our own. He tends to put them off and then make them impulsively. I fret endlessly, weigh the pros and cons before, unable to decide, I choose arbitrarily. Those two habits don't make for good shared decision making. Choosing a car, deciding what to do for summer work, signing a lease on an apartment--these things are all opportunities for arguments to begin I'd never really thought about.

No, we haven't had (and I hope won't have) any explosive arguments. Our relationship isn't in danger. I still love Adam more than I can possibly say. But I think I understand now why people who love each other have arguments about seemingly-unimportant things: those "unimportant things" are actually fairly important decisions people don't know how to make. It's very, very difficult to make shared decisions. I'm glad we became aware of it now so we can work on the skill together.

Loved, Part Two: CLC

I think you'll have to indulge a few days of nostalgia, or else come back next week when my life is a bit more settled. I'm leaving Oxford on Thursday. I'm trying to spend the next few days digesting what I've learned.

One of the priests at the chaplaincy suggested to me in October that I ought to join the Christian Life Community group here in Oxford as part of my marriage preparation. CLC is a lay Jesuit organization based on small groups of Catholic Christians praying together in community. The prayer is usually done as imaginative contemplation. To begin with, I was really skeptical. Imaginative contemplation seemed like a glorified RPG with disciples instead of wizards and a prayer guide instead of a DM. I've been really blessed to find out I was wrong.

I've posted before about imaginative contemplation. But I don't think I've put much effort into conveying how special and life-changing the community has been for me. There are six of us--three guys and three girls. We meet once a week to talk and pray. It's been absolutely wonderful being a such a consistently open and loving community. I've felt really loved and cherished.

More than that, though, the experience has really changed the way I perceive other people as Christians. I used to discount spiritual experiences I hadn't had--it seemed too impossible and distant to imagine there was more out there. But here I was, spending a night each week with five other people with distinct prayer lives and relationships with God. In a setting that intimate, there's no way to deny there are things about faith I don't understand. At the same time, the experience has made me feel more secure about myself as a Christian. I no longer feel compelled to squeeze my faith into the mold of the contemplative life--Christianity is more diverse than that. I'm not a contemplative, so I feel much happier in my relationship with God when I'm not trying to be.

Most importantly, CLC has told me a lot about love in action. After each prayer session, every member shares his or her experiences. It's just a time of sharing--no comments or responses. I've never had to listen that way, without considering a rebuttal or advice. It sharpened my attention on what it was my group members we saying and made their experiences seem more real. It forced me to be still in a way I never had before. When we started the group, I was always anxious about how long meditations would last. I needed to know I how long I would have to keep my mind quiet. Now, I usually feel comfortable in the silence. I don't always have the concentration to pray as long as the other members of my group, but I can enjoy the stillness of patiently waiting for them, basking in God's love and our love as a group.

So, I'm very grateful for CLC. I think the experience has made me more human and more willing to accept the humanity of others. I can't think of a more valuable lesson for marriage, or for life. Thank you.

Seinen Anime... or More Marriage Advice in Another Unexpected Place

While I'm on the subject of bizarre cross-cultural relations, I may as well bring up another favorite anime/manga, Saikano.

The plot of Saikano sounds about as ridiculous as Onegai Sensei, but the story is much darker. It's about a high school couple in a small Japanese town struggling to cope with life as the world slowly comes to an end--with more of a whimper than a bang. Soon into their relationship, Shuji discovers that the Japanese military is gradually turning his girlfriend, Chise, into a weapon of mass destruction. "The Last Love Song on This Little Planet." That's the subtitle of the series and an adequate summary of what happens next. The world collapses around them as the two fall more and more deeply in love.

Because of it's genre--men in their twenties and thirties are the target audience for seinen manga--it still has a lot of graphic sexual imagery. Also some dialogue nuggets like, "You look nervous. Here, touch my breasts." But, as the story progresses, Shuji learns to reject the part of himself that only wants a physical relationship. More and more, he comes to crave companionship and a meaningful relationship with Chise--all the while, she struggles to remain human enough to reciprocate.

The anime isn't available subtitled in English online, but you can also read my favorite manga chapters here. Shuji and Chise attempt to run away from the military and lead a normal life. There aren't many inhabited towns left, but they find a small fishing village and set up house there. They live together "as man and wife," enacting the future together they so desparately crave. Shuji has to work to support Chise as she gets more and more ill without the military's mechanical support. She's taken care of him, protected him and their town for so long--for the first time, he can take care of her. He watches her body fall apart, revealing the monstrous machine underneath, and he loves her anyway. And, to the end of the Earth, the both remember their time together as the happiest of their lives.

That episode raises some of the same questions I've already been asking about what a marriage is. (See here and here.) Chise and Shuji never undertake a wedding ceremony, but I can't imagine denying that such a couple--so desperately in love, so ready to give their lives for one another, so determined to stay together until the end of time--isn't already married. The series also highlights how important marriage is for basic human existence. Chise and eventually Shuji want nothing more than a home and family. Even when the world is dying, the greatest human tragedy is this: the end of the world means they cannot have a future together.

Again, Saikano isn't a perfect story. But it is a gorgeous story about two people in love, struggling to start and protect a relationship when nothing else is left.

Ecchi Anime... or A Marriage Lesson in An Unexpected Place

Before I discovered BBC iPlayer, I wasted a lot of time on Google Video watching anime. Fan-subbed anime is a bit hit-or-miss. There's so much really strange anime out there.

Onegai Sensi is one of the strangest. The plot follows an eighteen-year-old boy and his wife. The catch? The groom is still in high school, catching up after three years off with a mysterious illness. The bride? A benevolent alien babe sent to study the education system on Earth which means... she is also Kei's teacher. In the series' first episode, the two get caught together in an accidentally-compromising situation. To avoid Kei's expulsion and Sensei's job loss, the two fiegn a marriage the later validate to avoid suspicion.

Yes. The plot is hokey. And yes, the anime is full of ecchi breast shots and heavy inuendo. But, beneath that, the story is astonishingly frank. It chronicles the very real obstacles Kei and Sensei have to overcome to make their marriage work. This episode is one of my favorites because it captures so many of the dynamic ups and downs as they learn to love each other:

• Sensei is more intelligent than Kei--she has to learn not to lord it over him, he, not to resent her for it. Kei still copes with bouts of illness--Sensei has to learn not to undermine his masculinity and he has to learn to accept help from her.
• Sensei works full-time--she and Kei struggle to achieve a work, homelife balance.
• Kei still likes to spend time with his friends, to whom his marriage is a secret--Sensei has to overcome her suspicions and jealousies. Kei, in turn, is the object of one of his friends' affections--he has to seriously consider his level of commitment to his wife and to disentangle himself gently.
• And both Kei and Sensei struggle with their shyness and reserve before they can consumate their relationship.

I'm not claiming that Onegai Sensi is high literature. But it is a wonderful example of how important insights pop up in even the most bizarre of places. In one way or another, Adam and I have already found ourselves learning most of these lessons. For something frivolous, the series is surprisingly insightful.

Overall, I'm glad I've watched the series. If nothing else, it's done wonders in teaching me to laugh more at myself as I learn to be part of a marriage partnership with Adam.

Being Alone

Despite all the affected misanthropy of my early life, I really like people. I like being around them, even when my social awkwardness gets in the way. There are very few things I enjoy doing alone. It's so much nicer to go for walks, even silent and meditative ones, with other people--in fact, I started falling in love with Adam on just such a walk, Veterans Day 2003. It's even nicer to read with other people in the room, asking them to explain the funny bits and getting them a cup of tea when they seem especially abstracted. And I find God most easily praying with other people in the room, even if we're all doing it in silence.

That's one of the things I look forward to the most about marriage. Adam's a partner, to share life's moments with me, no matter how small. I'm glad every moment of our lives doesn't have to be an exciting climax. The spectacular and the mundane--it's all a pleasure with Adam.

But again and again during marriage prep we've been warned: you have to spend time alone. You'll go crazy if you spend all your time with your spouse! I guess I understand the principle, but I've often wondered how. What in my life will be as enjoyable without Adam there. Outings with friends perhaps, but that's not really spending time alone. How will I find the strength to be on my own when the temptation of Adam's company is so great?

It hit me tonight: bath time! Taking a bath is the one and only thing I truly prefer doing alone. I love to lie in the bubbles and lose myself in a book for hours at a time. I come out feeling so clean, renewed, ready to take on the world. And, based on the picture I found earlier, it seems I may have always felt that way. It's good to know I've found a place where I can find calm and peace by myself, without missing Adam.

So, I'm glad to have found a compromise with myself, something I really enjoy doing alone. I hope Adam can find his and that I can be as patient and understanding of it as he has been of my bubble bath disappearances when I go to visit him. Is there anything you
really enjoy doing alone?

Marriage Preparation

I hope to spend some time this weekend digesting our Engaged Encounter weekend over the next few days and to write about it, at least as much as propriety and Adam's better sense of discretion allows.

For now, though, I was impressed by this blogger's honesty and perseverance in tracking down the right marriage prep course. It comes from Wedding Bee, one of the more interesting (i.e. likely to talk about marriage as well as weddings) blogs I've found on the subject of weddings thus far.

Marriage Prep and Imaginative Contemplation

Catholic couples are normally required to spend at least six months preparing for marriage. Adam and I are doing the best we can, but the process is a bit more difficult when the betrothed are thousands of miles apart. We plan to spend a weekend in DC at an Engaged Encounter, about which I plan to post more later. For now, we're both plodding along on our own.

As part of my own spiritual preparation for marriage, my chaplain suggested I could get involved in Christian Life Communities--CLC. It's a group of Catholics who meet and pray together once a week, using The Spiritual Exercises of Saint Ignatius as a very rough guideline. Imaginative contemplation is a central focal point for Ignatian (Jesuit) prayer. It involves reading a scripture passage and then entering into in with your imagination. Sometimes nothing happens. Sometimes, you are aware that your mind is creating an experience for you--not a wash of an experience because it's still a form of prayer. But, at its best, imaginative contemplation takes your out of yourself and puts you into the narrative of the scripture passage and gives you an opportunity to speak with and listen to Christ.

I'd like to post a rough outline for an imaginative contemplation for anyone who would like to try it. I'm borrowing/adapting this from my friend Siobahn (shi-BAHN--she's Irish), so I hope she doesn't mind.

1.) You'll need at least twenty minutes. Find a quiet place and time in your day. Sit comfortably--try not to move or fidget during the prayer.

2.) Next, try to still your soul. This is one kind of "stillness exercise." Focus on your body. How are you sitting? How does the chair feel? One by one, tense up all the muscles in your body. Relax them. Focus on your breathing. As you exhale, breath out any worries or concerns that may distract you during prayer. Ask God to take care of them for you. As you breath in, feel yourself being filled with the love of God.

3.) When your mind feels settled, read the scripture reading. This reading is from Mark 4: 35-41. Read it once, and then again, slowly.

4.) Close your eyes. Imagine yourself into the scene. Try to quiet yourself. Go with your first reactions. There are no wrong answers. Take the questions slowly, as a guide. You may choose to ignore them.

Imagine the scene. What does the weather feel like? Hot? Cold? Can you smell the sea? Imagine yourself climbing into a boat after a long, hard day. What does the boat look like? How many people are in the boat. What are they doing?

Night falls. The sky grows darker . The waves grow and the wind blows harder. How do you feel? Listen to the wind. Is it raining? Feel the boat rocking harder and harder. How do you feel now?

Where is Jesus? Someone goes to wake him up--is it you? How does he react? Watch as he moves to the edge of the boat. Listen as he rebukes the storm. Calm. What are your feelings toward Jesus? Take the time to speak with him if you would like. Take the time to listen to him, too.

Spend as much time as you need imagining yourself into the reading.

5.) Take some time to reflect. What did you say to Jesus? What did Jesus say to you? What are the "storms" in your life? Is there anything you'd like Jesus to rebuke and tell to be quiet?

6.) You may wish to spend a few minutes asking God for his help or thanking him for his blessings.

And then you're finished. At first, I was extremely skeptical. I don't tend to go in for "hippy spirituality." Still, several months in, I can honestly say that the group has changed my life. Once you know how it works, you can try imaginative contemplation for any number of readings. Saint Ignatius' example is John 1, though I'm not sure my imagination is up to that yet. I'm very excited to someday try this new way of praying with Adam in person.