Adam's attitude toward tragedy and death has always been an annoyance, and a bit of a concern. Who wouldn't wonder about a true lover who could stone-facedly speak about your hypothetical death as "God's will." I share my deepest, most painful paranoid delusions about losing him with him and he responds, "Well, I'll be happier with God anyway."
On reflection, I know he's right. Infuriatingly right. But it's never made his attitude any easier to bear. I want the idea of losing me to be painful to him. How else do I know he really cares about me.
The mass hysteria about the swine flu has really opened my eyes to his way of thinking. I hate feeling helpless, but there is so little I can do about a global pandemic that it seems silly to even waste time thinking about it. The English National Health Service speaks about a global flu pandemic as inevitable. Why worry about what I can't stop.
From within this context--facing a frightening, world-wide disease I cannot stop--Adam's attitude suddenly becomes clear. It's not that he doesn't, or I don't, care about what happens. We love each other, the life we're going to live together. But why spend time worrying about what we can't stop? And what's the point of believing in a God who saves and a perfect afterlife if I'm going to fear death?
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