Regret

If being away from Adam has done anything for our relationship, it's better taught me the value of every moment with him. So, on those days I miss him the most, it's easy to get bogged down in the times I've wasted his affection or a moment I could have shared with him.

The worst are the memories of times I was cruel. I laughed a haircut he got to make me happy. I used his sweaters, the ones I liked the least, to mop up mess from the exploded dishwasher. I almost threw a shoe through his window. These are all funny stories now, but tinged with a hint of regret. God gave me a moment to love and I said no. There's no going back.

But I regret, too, the moments I wasted with Adam, back when we had all the time in the world together. The days neither of us did anything wrong except not enjoying each others' company. He made a picnic for me on a day I wanted to go to a movie, so I pouted. I offered to take him to see Tommy, but he wanted to stay in. Believe it or not, one of my biggest regrets is not taking him up on a dinner to Carrabas before we started dating. Those are moments, moments that could have been special but have been lost forever.

I guess we're lucky. We know now what are lives are like without each other. We've decided we don't like them that way. I hope that, even as the years pass, we'll remember how much every moment together used to mean to us. Life really isn't the same without him.

In a fairy tale my mother used to read to me, a father failed to understand his daughter's claim that she loved him "more than meat loves salt." I do love Adam more than meat loves salt and my life lacks savor without him.