Learning from each other

Alison recently posted about her false self, the conscious thoughts that judge her and worry her rather than helping to improve her. I wanted to reflect on one way that we are starting to face up to and reject our false selves, with each others’ help.

Marriage is two people learning to live as one. During our engagement, Alison and I have learned to look at our lives through each others’ eyes. We have worked hard to share the parts of ourselves that we don’t like. I think we expected to need to forgive and work together to improve. That has been hard, but there is something even harder. Sometimes, when you bring up the most embarrassing and horrifying things about yourself, the other person isn’t shocked at all. They think that your horrible secret is the most natural thing in the world. We were prepared to work through the places in our lives that honestly needed improvement, but had trouble with the even harder task of sharing and letting go of the secret fears and judgements that have accumulated after so many years of listening to our false selves.

Alison and I could both improve our lives and those of our friends in so many ways. But shame gets in the way. Those of you who know Alison know how constantly thoughtful and sweet she is. If you’ve never talked to her deeply, though, you might not realize how constantly she is ashamed of small mistakes in her words and actions that she thinks have offended others. I am always at a loss how to talk with her about this. I know that she truly does feel shame, but I also know that the shame comes from the judgement of her false self, which is counter-productive. I am learning to accept the reality of her feelings first, and then tell her that I think she wasn’t at fault and has nothing to gain from guilt over unintentional slips.

Seeing Alison experience this process has also shown me that I need to distinguish between real faults worth focusing on and false shame that only traps me. I have a hard time differentiating on my own. But because I know that Alison loves me and will not condemn me, and because she doesn’t have to constantly hear the running commentary of my false self, I trust her judgement. I can even trust her judgement when she isn’t here. I just ask: if I told Alison this, would she lovingly help me improve by changing my behavior, or would she help me improve by telling me not to worry, to be thankful for the many gifts given to me, and to go do something productive?