Epic Fail

Today I had the distinctively unpleasant opportunity to be reminded of one of my greatest flaws: I hate to lose. I hate not being at the top of the class. Not being the greatest and best at everything I do.

Over the years, I'd like to think I've improved. Now that I've learned to better love and respect the people around me, I'm usually very happy when they do well--even when it's better than me. But I still can't stand the idea that my performance was sub par, that I could have done better.

It occurred to me how dangerous my attitude toward failure may be for the future of our marriage. What happens when something goes wrong? Am I going to try to hide it, pretending it doesn't exist so I don't have to admit I might have failed? Or will I quit? Just get up and leave out of a fear I might not succeed at "this marriage thing" after all?

Of course, failure isn't the same for married Catholics. Divorce isn't an option. But separation is. Even worse, so it deep-seated unhappiness and resentment. My fear of failure, left unchecked, could easily become a self-fulfilling prophecy if it forces me to stop communicating with Adam.

No, I haven't failed anything today per se. I've only disappointed myself. Maybe in the long run it's far better to be reminded of my very human shortcomings in a context where the stakes aren't very high.