Young Widowhood

One of my best friends went to a funeral today. I wish I'd known who it was for--I would have gone, too. The husband of one of my tutors from last year died. That might not be surprising to you, but it was to me. You see, the tutor can't be more than about ten years older than me.

Her face has haunted me all day. It's terrifying, the idea of being a widow at thirty five. The whole big, beautiful future that floats tantalizingly before me could melt away in an instant. I could lose Adam and there would be nothing I could do about it.

At the risk of trivializing something as serious as death, I have to say that being in love makes me feel just a bit like Edward Cullen from Stephanie Meyer's Twilight saga. "Have you ever thought about how fragile they all are? How many bad things there are that can happen to a mortal?" the immortal lover says of his breakable human girlfriend in Midnight Sun. Late at night, miles and miles away from Adam, it's hard not to dwell on how fragile he is--how fragile we are. Our huge, momentous love that means everything in the world to me now can disappear in the moment it takes a heart to stop.

I've written before about how morbid and flippant I sometimes find Adam's attitude toward death. "We all die when we're meant to die," he'll say. In some ways, it's the sentiment of someone who's never really suffered the loss of a loved one. But, in others, he's profoundly right. Part of the reassurance of being a Christian, particularly in a tradition that puts so much focus on vocation, is my faith that God has put Adam on the Earth for a reason. As much as it hurts me to think that reason might not include raising children and growing old with me, that's a fact of life I have to accept. If it's true that whoever tries to save his life will lose it, it must also be true that whoever clings to the life of a loved one will never take as much joy from their relationship as God intended.

I know none of this would help my tutor, surely grieving from her terrible loss. But I hope you will join me in keeping her, her husband, and their family in our prayers.